Episode 9.0 - Zombie reading rainbow
Episode Credits:
Amanda Hufford as Hannah
Abigail Turner as Cali
Jordan Rudolph as Mel
Tom Schalk as Rictor
Will Handford as Jameson
Writing and Sound Design by Damian Szydlo
Sensitivity and Script Reading by Mak Shepard
TRANSCRIPT
[FADE IN]
JAMESON
“All I’m sayin’ is… well they musta’ really done a number on you. Gave you that there shiner. Haven’t seen you this worked up in… in forever, I guess.”
RICTOR
“Well. It is what it is, I suppose.”
JAMESON
“Don’t get me wrong! Love the passion, boss. Really, I do but… they’ve gotta be long gone by now, right? What are we out here for?”
RICTOR
[seems to be half ignoring Jameson, talking as he’s looking for something]
“That’s the problem with you kids, Jameson. No god damned patience. Like a dog chasing a rabbit through a field.”
JAMESON
“Don’t rightly get what you mean, Rictor. This camp could be days old. Could be someone else's, right? They could have turned off any exit along the highway. I don’t get how we can be sure this is it, you know? That it’s them, I mean.”
RICTOR
“Oh you don’t, huh? Well, that’s probably because your head’s full of stones, kid.” [kneeling down to sift through an old campfire].
[MUTTERS to himself before continuing]: “Hmm, still warm…”
“Now sticking with our whole hunting analogy, a hound’s a good hunting friend. A companion, be it a dumb one. You don’t look to a damn dog for a plan, do you? No… no, that’s the hunters job. A man’s job. To know where the rabbit’s running to, if the dog can catch it before it gets to its burrow. To know how much flight your prey’s got in it. To know its habits.”
JAMESON
[as if finally standing up for himself after years]
“Now, I don’t much care for the way you’re talking to me right now, Rictor.”
RICTOR
“Oh, is that right?
[stands up, brushing his hands off, a subtle menace enters his voice]
“Seems a particularly bad time to grow a spine to me, but here we are, aren’t we? Maybe you see this split lip I got given to me and think to yourself… well, if a lil’ rabbit could go and do a thing like that, then just maybe a dog could do better. Bite the hand that feeds. That about the just of it?”
JAMESON
“Well… no, I’m not saying anything like that… It’s just that I don’t much like the way you talk to me, is all. Like I’m an idiot. I ain’t no idiot, Mr. Rictor.”
RICTOR
“No, no you’re not. Your daddy, now he was a fucking idiot. Remember him? I sure do. Three teeth and a lazy eye. Head so far up his own ass you’d mistake him for half a turd himself.”
JAMESON
“Now… now you take that back! That ain’t right, you talking about my daddy like that. He was a good man.”
RICTOR
[half ignoring Jameson as he continues his verbal attack]
“Tried to lay down and play dead for a bear. Wrong breed to be playing that sort of game with. I watched that black bear dash his head all over some rocks by the riverside. Gutted him. Gobbled him up like a big ol’ salmon. So by logical deduction if your daddy was an idiot then, Jameson, I’d hazard to say that you’re what’s left. A stunted, inbred, backwoods piece of shit unlikely to get by on his own…
[walking towards Jameson]
A son of a god damned fool. A dumb as fuck little mutt who needs his face rubbed in it. So come on over here. Let’s have us a little lesson, then.
[quick scuffle, as Rictor drags Jameson over]
JAMESON
[panicked]
“I don’t wanna, Rictor! I’m sorry!”
[Cries out in pain as his face is shoved in the old, still hot coals of the campfire]
RICTOR
“Still hot, right? Wowee, You could cook on that… hell, by the smell of it I think we already are! [Jameson cries out]
Alright, that’s enough, up you come! [sounds of a slap, to Jameson]
EFFORT REQUEST: Jameson whimpers as he’s slapped
[seems to have calmed down almost instantly, as if the lesson is now done and the problem is now behind them… that it’s time to sum up the outcome]
“Never question me again. You understand that? When you look in the mirror and you see the scar that’s gonna leave, I want you to remember. That you never question me again. [pauses before shoving Jameson away] Now fuck off.”
RICTOR
[walking over with a whistled tune on his lips, flicking on the CB radio]
“Rictor here! Just got done having a grand ol’ time at an old nomad rest stop. Found a campfire off old 24, probably on route to skirt along the Peoria deadlands. That river there’s a pain in the ass if I ever knew one. Going to be a problem for those girls without a spinner to skip over it. Means she’s going to have to cross through Pekin, and that bridge there’s not in the best shape these days. It’s going to take some time to cross. These coals we found, they’re still hot so… she’s got twelve hours on us at most… probably half that… compound those problems with the sad, sad reality that the old beater we gave her is a right bitch on gas.
I told her though, didn’t I? Warned her that alot could go wrong between here and San Francisco. Let’s go ahead and make that a reality. Giddy up, little ponies, we’ve got some ground to cover. See you in Pekin.”
[FADE OUT]
[TUNER]
HANNAH
[dialogue as she’s sneaking up on Cali, REALLY trying to get a look at what she’s been reading.]
“Oh! - Oh hi, Listener! You… you ‘almost’ scared me! Jeez. Now I don’t want to go and start being all demand-ie; but do you think you could let a girl know when you’re going to make your grand re-appearances? Maybe a signal or something? I mean, where have you even been!? It’s been I think at least a day? Where do you go when you’re not here? So many questions really… but let’s just leave them in unsaidville for the time being because you’ve literally caught us mid-prowl; which is, admittedly, a work in progress to be honest… but I feel we’re getting somewhere… just really slowly! Positive thoughts. Think positive thoughts… Closer… clooooser.
Oh. You’re wondering why the subterfuge, exactly? Sorry, we’re a bit distracted here, Listener - but if you’d hazard a gander over to that blanket, right beside where she’s sitting… well, that’s a book. Even more exciting, it’s an actual comic book! In readable condition! And it’s open! All I have to do is get a little closer…”
[Zombie moan/sounds give her away]
CALI
“Please. Please, please… zombie-girl… Not now? Can we not do this whole thing where you try to eat me? For once? I just want to kick it, you know? A moment of peace taken in relative silence, read my comic and maybe do a redundant log report for funsies? A little zen before we’re inevitably hunted down by stupid raiders or ‘bounty hunters’ or whatever Rictor wants to pretend he is when we all know the real answer is actually ‘assholes’. Stupid assholes, actually. Now get! Get, get get! [zombie protest sounds] No, none of that!
[more zombie protest/grumbling]
Nobody ever listens to me. Now, where’s that comic…”
HANNAH
“Great, zombie-me. That’s just great. This is on you, for the record. You blew it! Which I guess still means we blew it but I’m not actually ready to admit defeat. Not yet. We’re in this to win it!
Don’t you dare think about not standing your ground, Hannah. You can do this.”
CALI
“Oh-my-god why did I let you out of the trunk?
[full on talking to herself now]
Oh, that’s easy, Cali! Let me just go ahead and answer that for you since you’ve decided to speak to a mindless zombie. Basically, you’ve realized you’re so, so absolutely alone that you’ve started to imagine that said fucking ZOMBIE has feelings. That it’s cruel to keep her locked up in a trunk while you try to take a single moment to relax. Because you’re in over your head. Really big this time. Running for your life and facing the very real possibility that you might not get away this time and… that nobody is really going to care. So the most human thing you can do is just open the trunk and try to pretend for a minute that your life is normal. Normal-ish.
So please, zombie-girl. Please spare me the part where you try to eat me and just let me READ MY BOOK. [cries out in frustration]”
[Cali picks up the comic again with a huff]
HANNAH
“Victory! YES! Now hold, Hannah! Hold! Look, the pages! And their glorious words!…”
CALI
“You know, there is nothing worse than someone reading over your… shoulder? Wait, what?... Oh, no. No fucking way. Are you serious right now? That’s not possible, is it? Zombies can’t read… [laughs it off for a second]... Right? They can’t… or… ‘can’ they? Okay, this is such a long shot but let’s just go for it.”
“Open book? Ohhh, pretty pictures. So colour. Much glossy.”
[contented/happy zombie sound from Hannah]
“Now closed book!”
[Hannah is now upset, snarling]
“Open?”
[happy zombie]
“Closed again!”
[angry zombie]
“Holy shit. Discovery, ahoy. I… I’m not just imagining it, am I? You do have feelings or… or something like them, don’t you? Is there somebody in there, zombie-girl? I mean that’s crazy, right?”
HANNAH
“Wait… what!? Yes! Oh my god, yes there is! Cali, I'm here… I’m in here! Listener, how…how do I talk to her? She see’s me! I cannot even make words right now.”
CALI
“It could be the colorful pictures, right? Or like the smell of paper but I think it’s obvious that you… Wow, I need to get this on log. Where’s my log! The one time I actually need that stupid recorder and… there it is! Okay!”
[scrambles for her log, clicking it on, excited at this possible breakthrough!]
CALI
“Scouting Report 15/7/2182. I’ve… I think I’ve just made a discovery. Or maybe THE discovery. The zombie that I’m… that I’m traveling with I guess? You know I’m going to skip the stuff you already know and get right to the good part. So I was lounging around, taking a mental health break like what the Golden Gate Travelers Guide says to do when you’re stressed. Anyway… I catch zombie-girl sneaking up behind me in what I ‘thought’ was the usual ‘lurk and threaten to possibly eat me’ thing she does before I realized she was actually after my comic book!? I wasn’t even on her radar. Fucking weird, right?
I don’t know how to put it without sounding totally delusional so I’m just going to say it. There was a definite physical reaction from her between the book being open and then me closing it. Like she was somehow upset she couldn’t look at the pretty pictures or something. I don’t know if that’s some kind of… reflex? Like maybe whoever this zombie used to be liked comics and some primitive part of her brain responded? Like I’m not an expert on this kind of stuff but there was ‘something’ there. She was… she was communicating or at least trying to. Kind of like red light/green light, zombie edition. Which means that they CAN be communicated with, even primitively… and that there is some chance that these things aren’t just mindless flesh eating murder machines.
I mean like I said I’m no expert on zombie behavior patterns but maybe this means we might finally find a way to bridge the gap! Which subsequently means this is officially a field trial or some such shit. I’m not saying that this zombie is necessarily a ‘person’ but… Okay I’ve got another idea so I’m just going to roll with it and see what happens. Wish me luck… recorder. Wish me luck. You can stay on. For science.”
CALI
“Hey! Hey… you. <waves comic around, zombie sounds excited/stirred up> You like this, right? Yeah, yeah you’re damn right you do.”
HANNAH
“Oh my. Cali, I hope you know what you’re doing because I’ve lost total control of zombie-me now. Great. I thought we were getting somewhere here and now she’s slipped the leash. Please, please please let’s just not eat the girl. Because I’m getting that funny feeling, again. That feeling where the zombie part of me is happy and excited, probably because I’m happy and excited… and she’s getting fixated…”
CALI
“Okay. Ooookay. Stay. Stay right there! Maybe, just maybe this wasn’t my best idea. Shity ideas from Cali are truly becoming a common theme. Or one might even say a trend. Of shit. A shit trend… oh! Hey! Back! Just hold on. Let me just put this down a second and… [puts the comic down] under a blanket, out of sight out of mind… okay, instant disappointment and disengagement. Great, you’ve got the attention span of a Golden Gate frat boy, I can see this is going to go really well. Time for a new approach. Commence operation ‘Zombie Reading Rainbow’.”
“Heeeey zombie-girl. We’re going to try something really cool but before we can get to that I’m going to have to come over there and… sit you down over here. Gentle. Gentle, no biting. Great. [take a moment as Cali guides Hannah to sit down].
Okay, that was easier than I thought it was going to be. Note: She’s actually getting a lot better with letting me lead her around and even put hands on her which is almost as important a development as this one but… okay. Now, just let me get the comic back out…
[zombie excited response]
No! You… you just stay there or I swear to you that I’ll invoke my most ‘mom and dad have had enough of your actual bullshit’ voice and this comic here is SO going back under the blanket again. Alright! I think it’s safe to say that she definitely identifies what the comic is. Now… let us begin.”
CALI (READING)
“Page 1. Tank Girl the Official Movie Comic Adaptation. -
[Reading] “Listen up, cos’ I’m only tellin’ you this once.
I’m not a bedtime-story lady, so pay attention…”
[Cali inserts] Well! Attention is being paid but you should know from one not a bedtime-story lady to another, Tank Girl, sometimes you don’t get a choice and - [angry zombie noise]. Okay! Okay! I get it. Where were we…
[Reading] “The world is screwed now. A while ago, this humongous comet came crashin’ into the earth. Bam! Total devastation. End of the world as we know it. No celebrities, no cable TV. No water! It hasn’t rained in years.”
[Cali inserts] Imagine an apocalypse without the stupid robots. Actually sounds preferable. Except for the water stuff. Only thing worse than an apocalypse is a smelly, unwashed apocalypse… And… you’ve just gone ahead and fallen into a weird yet strangely happy looking trance. All that fuss and you didn’t even last a page, zombie-girl!
[snaps her fingers, unable to believe she’s just rendered a zombie inert by reading to it] Out like a light! Huh. I guess now is as good as any to stop, which is probably for the best. You know, before the ghost of MGM-past comes through time itself to sue me. Knowing what we do about pre-apocalypse corporations I’m not going to count anything out. Which is fine. Take the house. Or really I suppose you’d take my remaining worldly possessions like my stupid jetta and ‘Deep Woods Off’ but please, leave the zombie because… and I can’t believe I’m saying this… I’m starting to think that she’s not actually an it at all. ‘Cause if I didn’t know any better… I’d say she’s dreaming…”
[FADE OUT]