Episode 8.0 - Jetta Westward

Episode Credits:

Amanda Hufford as Hannah

Abigail Turner as Cali

Jordan Rudolph as Mel

Tom Schalk as Rictor

Will Handford as Bogart

Writing and Sound Design by Damian Szydlo

Sensitivity and Script Reading by Mak Shepard

TRANSCRIPT

FADE IN

[sound of a car speeding down an empty stretch of road, thumping coming from the trunk -]

CALI

[talking while driving at high speed with an unhappy zombie in her trunk]

“Scouting report 13/7/2182. How are you today? Me? Oh, I’m great. Why do you ask? Does it seem like things aren’t going great, maybe? Not ideal? Well for the record? My plan was perfect… basically. Which might make one ask the question [speaks in an obnoxious voice] ‘Well gee, Cali, if your plan was so perfect then how is it that you're flying down the highway right now at breakneck speed with an angry zombie banging around in your trunk?’ And to that I might respond:... well actually it doesn’t matter how I’d respond because this is a hypothetical conversation I’m having with a recorder. An inanimate device. One that (mercifully) can’t judge me; a trait that I greatly appreciate right now.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, right. The plan. I’d caught sight of a Scaver camp after setting out for the daily Westward trudge with my new friend, zombie girl. Which up until today was going pretty great! I’m happy to report that ever since our first little dust up there have only been two instances of an attempted, reflexive biting; both of them were somehow deflected by a stern talking to? Wild, right? I just threw on the kind of harshly shaming tone you give a bratty kid or a misbehaving puppy? Stops her dead in her tracks. I wonder if maybe we could have tried that as a collective society during the original outbreak. If we gave that a shot at all. Maybe even once just tried the old ‘bad dog’ treatment before the gun bros started shooting and the government began dropping killer robots on the problem.

Bet we didn’t. Bet. We. Didn’t.

But I mean, that’s a whole different shitstorm then the one I’m currently experiencing so let’s go back to how we got into this mess! Gods I’m all over the place. My thinking was that nomads like that Scav group I was talking about… they get around. To get around; you need to have cars or at least a few sturdy wagons and some livestock. So I brought the zombie into an old convenience store not too far away from the camp and checked her in there. Pretty much just tied her to an exposed support that didn’t look like it was going to bring the roof down with a tug and prepared to meet the group without my unliving entourage. As one might imagine, she appreciated that not-at-all but honestly? Bringing a zombie to your resource negotiation session is a bold move that I’m just not ready to even try to explain.

Long story - very - short, I met with the Scav Boss. A guy named Rictor who I really wish I could say was a super chill dude. He’s all smiles and ‘jokes’ but I see him for what he is. I mean: leaders out in the wasteland are usually one of two types. The tough, leader-by-necessity sort that drifts to the top of the pack, tries to make the best of a bad situation for their people… or the cult of personality, control freak kind that just lives to put people between themselves and the truth. That truth of course being that they’re the worst possible version of themselves and finding a bunch of people who ‘need’ them validates what an actual piece of shit they’ve become. This guy? Absolutely the second. So I make a deal for some of the remaining top shelf supplies I’ve got in my rucksack: cologne, vacu-sealed ration packs and a canister of ‘shine. In retrospect maybe the deal was a little TOO good for what I was offering but you never know? Maybe my damsel in distress shtick had worked? 

All I know is that soon after I was on the road again in the driver's seat of the kind of junker that would have definitely been chosen last in a game of kickball. If cars had playground games that is. I mean having to drive on a wheeled vehicle is a pretty big downgrade from my Spinner but this? An old Jetta that clearly hadn’t seen any real love since before the world ended; held together by duct tape, rust and a more than considerable amount of hope? Whatever, doesn’t matter. I was off to pick up zombie-girl and put as many miles between the Benton Harbor EVAC site and Golden Gate as possible. A lil’ bit of wrangling and soon enough I managed to get my zombie into the trunk and… 

[record scratch]

HANNAH

“Hi. I’m going to go ahead and stop you right there, Cali. Yup, it’s me. It’s your girl Hannah, the ‘zombie’. That you kidnapped and SHOVED IN YOUR TRUNK. It’s time for a little pop quiz about boundaries and appropriate friendship behavior. True of False: It’s totally acceptable to trick your zombie friends into becoming living… err UN-living but still VERY ANIMIT cargo or to leave them tied up in abandoned places. Surprisingly enough, it’s FALSE. Now you might be thinking ‘well what if it’s only for ten minutes’ or ‘they’re already dead anyway, right? What’s the worst that can happen?’ and to that I say… maybe you totally deserve to be chewed on. Just a bit. That’s right, I said it and I MEAN it. So maybe remember that the next time you lead us into an ugly old store with the promise of adventure only to then tie me to a pole and leave me alone AGAIN… and I’ll remember that… maybe you…maybe you just suck. [ends in a pouty huff]

Hurt feelings aside, I should probably maximize the time that we have together and you know, actually fill you in on some of the important parts that are obviously going to take her like a hundred years to get to if we’re going to rely on those stupid scouting reports she does. You know, the ones where she talks to ‘nobody’ about us in a way that makes me feel like we’re completely underestimated… like I’m right here, In the room, definitely understanding you but completely unable to communicate anything at all! I’d be mad about it but really, who can blame her? I mean look at us, Listener. We chase butterflies and stare at spider webs. For actual hours. Who’d ever believe there’s a woman up here, still trapped in this zombie's head.

[sighs]

This is going to be pretty hard to explain… So how about I just hit play on the not-so-way-back machine so you can experience the stand-off yourself, in un-living colour! [sarcastic] Oh, and remember if you’re looking for lil’ ol’ Hannah in this scene just remember she’s stuffed unceremoniously in the trunk like baggage! Which is a shame because I’m sure it was really cool…  But you know, one minute you’re the hero, fighting killer robots like a knight or a superhero of some kind and the next…? Trunked. [grumbles] Roll the stupid clip.

[Film rolling effect]

[trunk closes, Hannah freaking out]

CALI

“So sorry, baby-girl. This is for your own good. And mine. Mostly mine.”

[sounds of cars approaching, horns honking]

“Oh what the actual fuck is this?”

[cars stop, doors slam, footsteps as Scavs get out and approach Cali]

RICTOR

[Character notes: Rictor is always in a ‘good mood’, a charming piece of shit] 

“Well, well! We really need to stop meeting like this, don’t we?”

CALI

“No idea what you’re talking about, Rictor. I thought we had a deal, fair and square. Business all concluded and I got on my way like we said. Did I… forget something or is there a reason you’re holding a crowbar?”

RICTOR

“Not at all, darling. It’s just that, to be honest, I found it kind of strange that a lone outsider walked into my camp with a big bag of supplies looking to make a deal for a lousy old car. Appealed to our mercy for a fair deal. One where you’d said that everything you owned was in that duffle of yours.”

CALI

“And? I wasn’t lying. Like I said, lost everything in a crash outside K-Zoo…”

RICTOR

“Yeah, well… turns out that wasn’t quite true, was it? First thing that tipped me off was you drove back the same way you came. To me, that says you left something behind. Seems that hunch was right. I’m ‘always’ right.”

CALI

“I don’t… I dont’ get it… There’s nothing…”

RICTOR

“Saw what you stowed away, there. That little ‘thing’ that’s making all that racket?”

CALI

“The zombie? Look… it’s not what it seems. Let me explain…”

RICTOR

[smiles widely]

“No need. I get it. I really do. She’s a beauty! Almost couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw you push her into that trunk of yours! A real, moaning, groaning god-damned brain eating zombie! Haven’t seen one in over five years! Feral as fuck, aren’t they?”

CALI

“Okay, you caught me ‘detective’ Rictor. I’m a scout. For Golden Gate, okay? I’m trying to take her back home.”

RICTOR

[A little more menacing but still charming]

“Now why would you want to go and do a thing like that? Seems like a terrible idea if you ask me. Lot’s of things can go wrong between here and San Francisco.”

CALI

“There’s… She could be different. No, she IS different. She’s been following me for days now. Could have tried to eat me a hundred times but she hasn’t. That’s worth somebody smarter than you or I having a look, right? We have scientists and… look. I don’t know, maybe they could use her to see how this virus has obviously evolved. This zombie girl? She… responds. Almost like a human.”

RICTOR

“Really now!? Did you teach her how to do tricks? Roll over. Shake a paw. Beg…? Back in the day, we knew people that tried to tame them, you know. Put them to some use. Saw a kind of ‘humanity’ in them. 

CALI

“Like I said. This one’s different, asshole.”

RICTOR

“In my humble experience; no matter how ‘different’ it was… Never worked out the way it ought to. To tell you the truth that was damn good for business. But you see, the zombie hunting games all but dried up now and good ol’ boys like us gotta resort to hunting down the odd…  wandering ‘criminal’. Relieving ‘em of their stolen goods, setting them right. Sometimes I miss the old days. Killing zombies for upstart communities was a lot more simple. Ethical work.

CALI

[backing up towards the car]

“Shit. You… you guys aren’t Scavs are you?”

RICTOR

“Never said we were! Got no taste for picking through junk, haggling over scrap. Now why don’t you pop that trunk and help us stop you from making the biggest fucking mistake of your pretty little life.”

CALI

“Okay. You’ve really got my back against the wall on this… so alright I guess… fuck it, you win. I’ll pop the trunk. [mutters something to herself in complaint]”

[Opens the car door, but instead of popping the trunk she reaches into her bag and pulls out a flashbang grenade - throws it into the mob - flashbang detonates, Rictor cries out.]

[NOTE: Need some sound efforts of Rictor in pain and also efforts of him eating a kick to the face.]

“Flashbang grenade! Oh, yeah, We’re big fans of non-violent conflict resolution up there in Golden Gate. Me though? Well, I’m not above it in the slightest!”

[Cali kicks a downed Rictor in the face]

[now imitating Rictor as he moans in pain]

“Killing zombies is good ethical work. Check me out, I’m a big dangerous man with a crowbar and a big ugly truck with spikes on it. Too bad some girl came along and stuck [sticks a knife in one of his tires] a knife in my tires. Oh, oops! Silly me, there goes another one! [sticks a knife in another tire].

RICTOR

“God-damn it, girl… You can’t run. We’ll find you.”

CALI

“Maybe. But you’re gonna have to do it without these, won’t you, fuckface?”

[pulls the keys out of Rictors ignition and jingles them]

[film reel runs out]

HANNAH

“So… that’s how I ended up in this…probably disgusting trunk! Thankfully my sense of smell hasn’t actually worked since zombification so I can mercifully only imagine… I was about to say ‘imagine the smell’ which is, even as I say it; one of the least favorite intrusive thoughts I’ve ever had. I mean let’s go ahead and face it, anyone who says a thing like that isn’t going to be talking about the scent of flowers in a morning glade, right? It’s all B.O. filled locker rooms and dive bar basement washrooms. Imagine the smell.

So I guess it’s time for the bad news? I kind of forgot that you actually needed to hear the end of Cali’s report to get the full picture of things when I rolled the tape back there. That’s my bad, so please, let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time… 

Juuuust kidding, we already did that gag back in the first episode. Anyway, Cali might have admitted that she got… a little carried away back there but, I mean, who can even blame her, right? I mean you heard that guy!? He was going to… well I don’t know if you can actually kill someone who is already dead but I suppose, yeah he was going to kill us. Then she was all like ‘In Golden Gate we frown on violence but me? I’ll totally fuuu… fudge up your stupid face with my big ol’ boot! Also I’ll stab your tires and steal your keys for good measure. Insult to injury! The film cut out before she stole a jerry can full of gas from them as well. It wasn’t until Cali was about three miles away that she realized there was a gross human ear dangling from said keychain so THAT went out the window pretty fast.

[sighs]

These guys are actually really bad, Listener. Back when there were still hordes, zombie hunters like Rictor used to mow us down by the hundreds. If you remember, I told you that sometimes when a zombie gets hurt too bad their body forgets how to ‘human’ right? Sometimes we’d develop weird defenses or sprout extra limbs or grow to ridiculous sizes like a comic book villain born in the darkness. An old, active zombie horde could be a really scary thing with all sorts of… I guess we can call them ‘evolutions’ because calling them mutants is pretty insensitive to all the actual mutants out there.

Didn’t matter though. These zombie hunters always had a way of dealing with us. The more dangerous the pack; the better for some of these guys. They’d… they never stop, Listener. Not until either they’ve eliminated the horde or… become a part of it. Which means whether she knows it or not, this isn’t going to go away. They’ll follow us, all the way to Golden Gate if they have to… and when they catch up… we’ll have to do something. If I’m even allowed out of this trunk again.

I’ve got to figure something out between now and whenever things get worse, like they’re gonna… but how do you earn someone's trust if they don’t even know you’re a real person…?

[FADE OUT]