Episode 5.0 - World Collider
Episode Credits:
Amanda Hufford as Hannah
Abigail Turner as Cali
Jordan Rudolph as Mel
Writing and Sound Design by Damian Szydlo
Sensitivity and Script Reading by Mak Shepard
TRANSCRIPT
FADE IN
HANNAH
“Sometimes I get carried away. I guess it’s probably safe to say that ‘we’ both do. I fully recognize how… I don’t know...? Obvious that might sound as I tell you this while laying still as the grave on a bed of dead leaves; staring up at the sky through a pair of eyes that aren’t technically mine anymore. You should know that I don’t mean to say that in a bitter way or anything… because let’s be honest, I’ve had a pretty long time to come to grips with my place in the world and this ‘relationship’. To give this whole thing some distance. I mean it’s either that or experience a fresh new trauma each time she busts into a free range cat or a pigeon. Don’t get me wrong, that part is still super gross, though. Everytime.
Rambling again. Avoiding the subject, even. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been alone as long as I have and to be fair, you ARE the first person who I’ve actually been able to speak to in… well however long it’s been since I turned… which I suppose is exactly what I’ve been thinking about today. Reflecting on. So congratulations, listener. You’ve made a real impact on me… Well, you and the poorly timed and if I might say; indelicate memory we just re-lived together. Try as I might to avoid thinking about it; I’m starting to realize that maybe it’s been a lot longer than I originally thought it was. That I’ve been a zombie, I mean.
It’s not exactly easy to keep track of years when you’re like this, nor probably the most healthy idea? There aren’t any walls up here in my head… to put ticks on like prisoners do in old cartoons. But what we do have are winters here in this old town, wherever ‘here’ exactly is… so I was trying to… like add them all up? I’m not really enjoying what those numbers are tallying to but by my reckoning… it’s been at least over a hundred years. Maybe even a hundred and fifty?
A hundred years and more. How do you even process that?
Well, for one I can tell you that immortality is both easier and at the same time way harder than people philosophized it might be. At least when you’re in my particular position. Imagine a world where literally everything is out of your control… and not just in a sense where everything FEELS like it’s out of control. But where it actually is. From deciding if you're going to stand up, go for a run, blink your eyes or sing a song. None of it is you. Wait! OH! Oh! How could I be so stupid! I guess it’s kind of like being you in this story, isn’t it, Listener? Which means you get me! Kinda. What I mean is that you don’t get any kind of say in how my story goes, what zombie-me does or even what happens next! That’s it!
My brand of immortality is essentially like listening to podcasts… Forever! Except you can’t mix it up. It’s the same show. The… Hannah show. All day, everyday.
Sooooo, now that THAT’S sorted, let’s get back to my current predicament. If you’re at all wondering WHY we’re just laying here, I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for you. It’s both kind of refreshing and at the same time, admittedly disturbing. She’s never really… done this. I mean there we were, running through the forest at one heck of a clip and the next thing I know she just fell down? We’ve been here for hours now, completely still. I’d say that we watched the sun go down together but I’m not actually sure she’s here with me at all… anymore. Or if she’s coming back.
What if this is it? The end of the line for us? She got to ‘outlive’ her enemies, those dastardly crows, after they got shot from the sky by robots and that was like… the last thing on her post-apocalyptic bucket list? One big, strange note to end this whole… unlife on, right? I expected to be run over by zombie hunters or be blown up by robots. If I had a bingo card for how I thought we’d go out, laying on the ground and like… letting trees grow through us was not anywhere on it.
[the sound of a Land Spinner from far off enters the scene]
Now… that’s a different sound. I’ve never heard a robot make a noise like that before…
[sound of the Land Spinner ‘spinning out’ and crashing]
Well, that didn’t sound good. Listener… I really hate asking but can you maybe like… go check that out for me? I’ll be right here… waiting. Probably.”
FADE OUT
FADE IN
CALI
[sounds of Cali struggling out from the wreckage of her land spinner, pushing the door open and coughing due to the smoke pouring out of the vehicle]
“Mayday, mayday. Spinner down. Satlink holding but I’ll be out of signal range soon if what’s left of this rig doesn’t blow up before then. Went down somewhere outside old K-zoo as far as navigation had me pegged. If anyone can hear this please respond. Shit. I’m pretty sure I hit a null-mine, popped both hover coils before rolling my spinner a couple times. If it was a null-mine that probably puts me inside of a killzone… even though there wasn’t supposed to actually be one that extended this far according to maps. Which means either Nav wasn’t working or… this is something new. Like… an expansion. Either way it’s… it’s not safe to stay here.”
(sound of one of the robots in the distance, Cali’s voice begins to sound more unsure]
“Speak of the devils. Sounds like they’re a little way out still. Need to take inventory of what supplies I have here; and fast. Let’s see… Just over two weeks of assorted rations and survival gear crammed into a rucksack. A pistol, [checks pistol] two rolls of bubblegum and my fateful case of comics. One might say that it’s the comics that got me into this but between you and me, I’m just going to blame the MacSoda’s. No sense ruining everything I like in one day.”
[horn sound, this time closer]
“Okay, sounds like it’s time to move!”
[FADE BACK TO HANNAH]
[sounds of the horns fading, start building tense action music]
HANNAH
“They’ve found something. Oh, come on Hannah, get up! - Listener, you’re back! Wait… slow down. There’s a crashed vehicle? And a girl? An… actual person? An actual living person? Hannah, you’ve got to get up. Oh-my-god what’s it going to take!? This is killing me all over again!
Calmness, Hannah. This might take a minute. Ever try negotiating with a zombie? What am I even saying, of course you haven’t. As previously established, I call it steering but really it’s more like nagging or coaxing. Kind of applying pressure on her, over and over again to do something you want to do until she thinks it’s her own idea or instinct. Which makes this the part where I admit that I’ve never been able to actually get her to do the neat tricks I was talking about a few episodes back without like… hours and hours of repeating myself and working her up to doing a thing. So this is… uncharted territory for nagging her into action. But I have to try.”
[FADE BACK TO CALI]
[Cali running over grass and through bush]
CALI
“So, for the record, running? Not all it’s cracked up to be. It only now occurs to me that maybe I should have spent more time on compulsory cardio exercises which I stupidly reasoned - ‘Who needs to run when you can RIDE?’ or ‘Who needs cardio when you’ve got muscles?’. Well I’m winded and these guns aren’t picking up any slack so… so much for that! Come on, body. Please. Get me out of this killzone and I promise we’ll start treating you better. Or worse!? Whatever you want really! I’m officially praying here, just give me the strength to keep these fucking legs moving and you get whatever you want, ‘oh great and nagging cardio advocate in the sky’. Gah!”
[horn sounds again, very close, sounds of the robots crashing footsteps behind Cali as she runs]
FADE BACK TO HANNAH
HANNAH
“GET UP!
[sounds of Hannah rustling]
“Oh! Okay… we’re awake now? And you’re… listening to me? It worked! It actually worked! Okay! As much as I’d like to sit here and contemplate the strangeness of this sudden unexpected turn of events, or what it might mean… well as a great man once said - The time for hesitation is through! I don’t remember who that great man rightly was at the moment but I think he was a musician? I’m pretty sure he was a musician.
No! Hannah! Concentrate. And move. Concentrate and move. You can do this.
[sounds of steps]
That’s right! You’re doing it. Okay, noooow steer. Oh girl, you’re going to hate this but you’re going to have to trust me. We’re going towards that awful noise. Past where it happened. ‘Cause if we’ve got nothing left then we best either find something to live for or go out with a bang… and there’s someone out there right now that needs us. Someone alive. Actually still alive!
All we have to do is keep. moving. forward.
Wait… through the clearing. That’s her… and… and she’s… whoa, she’s beautiful. I mean maybe it’s just that I haven’t seen a human in way too many years but… she’s athletic and she’s strong and… pretty and she’s… she’s not going to make it. One of the big ones is right behind her and she’s… not turning around because she knows it’s closer than she wants it to be and to look… well that’s when you give up, right? But she’s a fighter… Like Mel was.
[strange noise emanates from the robot as shots ring out]
We have to do something.”
[zombie Hannah croaks what might be mistaken as approval]
SCENE SHIFTS TO CALI
CALI
[Cali is exhausted at this point]
“Okay! Ooooookay! This thing is NOT playing around. At all! Shit, Incoming!
[dodges out of the way of a shot, rolls her ankle as she does so. Dirt and rocks continue to fall from the powerful blast and as the dust clears, the robot is looming over Cali.]
“Damn. That… that did it. Fucking rolled my ankle… and this sadistic bucket with legs is just… watching me squirm. Like, really!? COME ON! DO IT, THEN! Get this whole sad fucking affair over with, already!
[starts powering up for another shot before Hannah’s screech echoes. The sounds of the zombie leaping and ripping into the metal of the robot, peeling plates back as it tries to shoot her off of it. Eventually she gets the best of the robot in the scuffle and hits the ground in front of Cali as the robot pops and sizzles. Music fades away.]
Ummm… that.. Holy shit, that’s a zombie. An actual zombie. I’ve got to get out of here. I don’t know how it took that hunk of junk down and you know what? I’m not going to stick around to ask about it. Slow and steady… crawlin’ on out of here.
Holy shit though! That was intense! It just ‘peeled’ back that robots armored plating like it was the lid on a tuna can… before just reaching in and pulling out handfuls of wiring. Never seen anything like it and… oh… you’re standing up aren’t you?”
[Cali realizes her predicament as she nervously keeps crawling back, fumbling as she tries to sneak the pistol out from her holster.]
[talking to Hannah now.]
“Oh. Oh, hey zombie girl… Look at you, just… staring at me with a hole blasted through you after you dealt with that robot like it ain’t no thing. Hope you’re not hungry… [laughs nervously before Hannah starts forward a step]. No! No, no. Just… stay. Staaaay. Bad… zombie. You don’t want a Cali-Burger. So over-rated.[Hannah stops] Great… I’m just going to keep on… keeping on and you’re going to let me slowly hobble on out of here. Deal?”
HANNAH
“So I guess her name is Cali? Or maybe she’s just from Cali? Colour me intrigued! We need to know more. And oh-my-god she’s just as rambly as I am! Gah! Which makes this even WORSE, right? Because obviously this is where the story ends. Might as well go on and roll the credits. My happy little heart’s swelling and in turn my mouth is salivating at the prospect of this… cali-burger. You know, imagining zombie me’s disgusting eating habits as real meals doesn’t actually help. Or at least it certainly doesn’t make it any more appetizing. Let’s however… just go and take a moment to weigh the inevitable outcome of a situation that might best be described as ‘out of the pot and into the frying pan’, shall we?
Basically, we’re looking at a 100% chance of tragedy, trauma and heartbreak ahead. Either it’s going to be me eating the love-at-first-sight, woman of my dreams whilst I internally sob at the horror of it all OR she shoots me with the pistol she’s fumbling at with all the subtlety of a dude versus the impenetrable clasp of a bra strap. Like it's not that hard, really. I promise.
Ahem! Kind of a depressing end to a rescue mission that I’m honestly kind of surprised we embarked upon… not exactly what I’d had in mind, granted… but I guess here we are! Bon appetit… Wait. What? Are we… actually listening? Oh my… Listener! We’re listening! To her! She said stop so we stopped! Maybe Zombie Me needs this as much as I do?! Dare I even hope? It’s really happening! We’re not going to eat the girl! This is going to be so goo-”
[Pistol shots from Cali]
Oh, Mother-Father! [Said like an alternative to motherfucker]
[Angry zombie noises as Hannah bounds forward, scuffling with Cali as Cali tries to kick her off, scene fading out]
[FADE OUT]