Episode 4.0 - Old world blues
Episode Credits:
Amanda Hufford as Hannah
Abigail Turner as Cali
Jordan Rudolph as Mel
Writing and Sound Design by Damian Szydlo
Sensitivity and Script Reading by Mak Shepard
TRANSCRIPT
FADE IN
[Scene starts in the past, before the apocalypse, outfront of Hannah’s house as she’s running late]
MEL
“Hannah! Come on! We should have been on the road hours ago!”
HANNAH - VOICEOVER
“Hope you like flashbacks, listener.
Meet Mel. Honestly; the best friend a girl could have ever asked for. She always took care of me back in the pre-zombie days, which I’m going to just go ahead and admit was more often than it should have been. I was pretty much a disaster, which I suppose really hasn’t changed all that much? I can’t even zombie right.
It’s obviously no prize being what I am. If I were to do it all over again,I would have bailed on our D&D road trip and stayed home with one of those little buckets of ice cream instead of becoming a zombie's sandwich. Then again, if I HAD decided to just eat my feelings… well I guess I wouldn’t be here to have inappropriately timed flashbacks for the sole purpose of filling out a scene while my other self tumbles headlong through the forest. Alright, big breathe, Hannah… that was a mouthful.
Oh hello, it’s a me. I have emerged from my nest of self pity aaaand I look about as sad as I remember feeling.”
[Sound of Hannah’s front door slamming hard behind her, she gives a little yelp sound as she fumbles with her keys]
HANNAH
“I’m coming! I’m… I think I forgot my toothbrush… One second. I’ll be right back!”
MEL
“Hannah I swear! [laughs] You can get a new toothbrush when we get to the hotel. We’ve got a convention to get to! Can you just maybe get in the jeep instead!?”
HANNAH
“Fine. [footsteps as she makes her way down to the jeep, opening the door to throw her bag in the back before closing it] I’m just… I’m not together right now, Mel. I was ‘supposed’ to be in the Bahamas. This was supposed to be ‘it’. [closes the jeep door behind her]. I was done with dating. Now it’s just another break up story and she’s going on OUR dream vacation with her sleazy boss. Can someone tell me how that’s fair?”
MEL
“That’s just it, hon. It ain’t fair at all. I know that going to Columbus for the weekend isn’t the Bahamas. Like… not even close. But what it WILL be is fun. Besides, Pride’s happening at the same time so you can be sure we’ll find a party somewhere when we’re done getting our nerd on! We can even bring Reggie along with us.”
HANNAH
“Is he doing that whole elf thing again? Cause that… would be pretty goddamn funny, honestly.”
MEL
“Hannah! Did you just actually curse? Drop the big ol’ G-damn? Get on with your bad self!”
HANNAH
[a bit frustrated, getting ready to vent]
“-I… uhhhh. Yikes. I… I guess I did? I suppose this whole thing’s just… really getting into my head, you know?”
MEL
“Relax! I’m just fuckin’ with you. Besides, I think it’s pretty cute when you swear.”
HANNAH
“It’s just that I’m so fucking angry! I mean, how do you pass on me and everything we had to run off with some nasty rich guy that you’re not even into. Maybe, I don’t know, have some self respect?
No. You know what? I’m GLAD she ditched me. It means I don’t have to waste my time thinking about how great we were going to look in our wedding dresses one day or how… okay, I’m going to stop right there because you’re giving me that look. Like I have two heads.”
MEL
“And I’m just going to drive! For the record though, I’m just going to mention how that’s the most lesbian shit ever.”
HANNAH
[finally lets out a much needed laugh]
“What do you mean? Like the wedding thing?”
MEL
“Umm, yeah. ‘The wedding thing’. You guys were dating for what, six months and you’re already planning your happily ever afters? Take a peek at your fairy gaymothers notebook and know there are CHAPTERS on not getting carried away. I’m an elder, I’ve seen some shit.”
HANNAH
“I wasn’t getting carried away. I was just… hoping it’d be different this time. Also what do you mean elder, you’re like what -”
MEL
“51. I’m 51.”
HANNAH
“Yeah, but you LOOK like your 41! Like a really good 41. What I mean to say is that you’re like an undercover elder.”
MEL
[amused and totally not taking any actual insult]
“Bitch, I’m not an undercover anything! I’m a SURVIVOR of the dating worlds sick version of the Hunger Games.”
HANNAH
“You’re the best, you know that right?”
MEL
“Yeah, yeah. Forget all of that shit for now, anyway. Hannah Bowden, for the rest of the weekend your ass is mine. So you just go ahead, settle in, sit back and let me take care of everything from here on out. Got it?”
[starting to fade out]
HANNAH
“You’ve got it, sir!”
MEL
[laughs]
“Smart ass.”
FADE OUT
FADE IN
[sounds of fumbling, buttons pressed and something spills, something short circuits]
CALI
“Oh… Shit. Fuck, damn. Alright, I’ve just spilled Berry MacCola all over the cab and… my pants and the steering wheel. But most importantly… and by that I mean disastrously… my formally delicious fizzy beverage is currently soaking into my console and all of it’s exposed components. Don’t ask why they’re exposed. Let’s just say I had to tap into the sat’ for some electronics manuals more than once during this mission… and it’s still not exactly one of my strengths. This stuff is… it’s everywhere… Come on, Cali! I won’t fucking believe that MacCola is going to be what gets me. I’m going to turn into a god damned fireball, burned up from the inside out, if I don’t get my shit together one of these days. Or maybe TODAY. Today would be great.
Just so that everyone listening to this in memoriam knows, I totally was not sitting here, boots kicked off and feet up on the wobbly console where I’d stationed my drink whilst casually flipping through my sexy new comics stash like I’d planned to in a previous report. Just tell everyone that raiders got me. [looks back to the disaster] Ohhhhh what a goddamn mess this is, holy shit I’ve really done it this time! Bright side: At least auto pilot’s still working and I didn’t get splattered all over the K-zoo outskirts? Yet. Cause I mean I’m assuming it’s working? Please, please still actually be working.
[sounds of switches being flicked]
So yeah, good news, we’re still not dead despite the cruel fortune of my absolutely absurd clumsiness and I’m also happy to confirm the auto pilot to be mostly working. Bad news, said auto pilot’s totally stuck. Jammed up and not accepting any new commands. It’s essentially hijacked the Land Spinner and blown us right off course. It’s no longer recognizing planned routes at all and is just plunging forward in a straight line. Collision detection is thankfully… still functional. As for me? Stress couldn’t be any… [rapidly flicks switch] HIGHER. Alright, let’s just continue this irrelevant status report as we hurtle towards certain death in the out of control rocket that used to be my beloved Spinner.
[sarcastic] I’m SO very pleased to report that there’s still half a tank of fuel left in this thing so we aren’t stopping anytime soon. Which is the only point we’ll actually BE ending this nightmare. Especially since, as I realize I forgot to mention before, the emergency stop is also completely fucked thanks to the spill. Thrusters still working at capacity and the hover coils… well the fix they did back at McMaster seems to still be holding. I guess it’s time for drastic measures.
[mock praying]
Oh, mighty father figure in the sky. I don’t ask for your help all that much but please, look down upon your forsaken daughter and [sounds of kicking the console with each following word] FIX. THIS. FUCKING. BULLSHIT. [sound of frustration as she hurts her foot kicking the inside of the cab before exasperatingly giving up]
Words of wisdom. Don’t kick at the guts of your Land Spinner’s console with your bare foot. I think that’s just overall safe advice to live by even in non life or death situations. I think it’s also just as safe to say that if any greater power heard my earnest plea, they either didn’t care or they have a really funny way of showing it. Cause neither prayer nor violence has changed my situation in the slightest. Which means I suppose I’m in this until… we either crash, totally short circuit and fireball or as previously mentioned with hope, run out of fuel.
You know, even though we’re hurtling towards what is almost surely certain death, at least assessing the situation and identifying it as being essentially out of my control is… kind of comforting? I don’t know. I’m just going to sit here and… pack up my comics and pretend that everythings alright. Gonna also go ahead and put my boots back on as well because nobody needs to be caught in a situation barefoot. Thanks John McClane for a lesson well learned through countless showings of the before-times Christmas classic, ‘Die Hard’. That part where they shoot the glass and he’s running around on bloody feet for the rest of the movie? That’s not going to be this girl. Not even a chance.
I realize I’m just rambling now. Not much more to say, honestly, so your girls just going to go ahead and leave you with some more all-too-appropriate before-times movie logic. Or at least a quote for everyone back home that never believed in me. That I’d make it as scout:
It’s better to burn up then to fade away. Motherfuckers. - The Kurgan. Kind of.
Cali… Signing off.
FADE OUT