Episode 2.0 - Red Balloon Memoirs

Episode Credits:

Amanda Hufford as Hannah

Abigail Turner as Cali

Writing and Sound Design by Damian Szydlo

Sensitivity and Script Reading by Mak Shepard

TRANSCRIPT

FADE IN

[Effort sounds of Zombie Hannah jumping and swiping getting frustrated at not trying to catch something.]

HANNAH

“Hey, you’re back! Just in time for our after lunch exercise. Kind of surprised, actually. Happy...but surprised. I don’t exactly lead the most exciting life here. I’ve spent the last hour trying to convince zombie-me to open old magazine we found and just… stay still with the page in view long enough for me to actually READ something- anything! I'd take the index page at this point. Of course, ‘We’ had ‘other’ really cool plans though. Like trying to reach the same deflated red balloon that’s been hanging from a telephone pole on Garside Avenue for I don’t know… maybe the last twelve years or more? It’s obviously just as out of reach as it was yesterday… and the day before. But maybe today, zombie-me. Maybe today is your day. And who am I to get in the way of your dreams? Don’t ever give up, you crazy firefly.

Anyway, where did we leave off? I think I was talking about zombie truths, myths and habits. Something, something learning to control my zombie body and clearly failing. Truth be told, if you hang out with me long enough you’ll learn all you need to about zombies in a few hours. We’re not really the most complex creatures.

Maybe we should get into something a little more interesting instead? I can tell you’re just dying for another history lesson! It was 2029. The world had descended into idiocracy long before that point and was on time for a blind date with mediocrity when; like a comet smashing into the world, the first zombie showed up to save us from ourselves. It was in Florida. Because of course it was. I’ve taken to calling the first of us ‘Florida Man’ when I think back to those days… that’s kind of an in-joke for the pre-apocalypse crowd… which basically consists of you and me at this point, listener. We’re in this together. Bad jokes and all.

Anyway, the zombie mob that picked me up was in Ohio. And no, I’m not ‘from’ Ohio. I was at a tabletop gaming convention in Columbus; mostly thanks to this girl I used to date introducing me to the amazingness that is Dungeons & Dragons. Honestly it was probably the best thing I took out of that retrospectively toxic relationship which had ended the year prior with her drunkenly throwing a shoe at me during a St. Patrick's Day pub tour… but I digress. Everything happened so fast its hard to really pin point how it started. One minute we were rolling dice and the next we were eating… nice… nice people. I don’t really know why we were heading to rhyme-ville there but it’s a thing I did and I’m not proud of it. So we’re just going to keep on keeping on. I DO remember that the first person I ate was dressed like a Space Marine. Ever see a guy try to run while he’s hooked up to what is essentially cosplay coated stilts? Hilarious. And tragic. Let me tell you, zombie-him had no idea how to navigate that awkward predicament.

Before anyone really knew what was happening, the zombie horde had spilled out from the convention center and right into the Pride parade that was still strutting it’s sexy self down High Street.

We descended upon the state of Ohio like a righteous, rainbow swathed undead nerd herd of doom. Which was granted, not nearly as awesome as I’m making it sound. In actuality it was a really gross, absolutely terrifying rampage that helped bring on the end of the world… but I like to apply a healthy, positive dose of zombie revisionist history to the whole event. Besides, we weren’t anywhere nearly as bad as the stupid robots were.

[Zombie Hannah is now trying to climb up the telephone pole]

Oh, cheese and rice [clarifying: said instead of Jesus Christ]. This never works. Zombies are terrible at climbing and mostly do so by swarming over one another… which is kind of hard when you’re the last one left! Zombie-me doesn’t get that though; so she’ll just kind of scurry at the base of the pole for a while until something else gets her attention. I guess that gives us some time to talk about the robots then, right?

As a zombie, I have no idea when that whole thing even started. All I know is that they are super effective at what they do. From what I can tell, they seem to have turf? Like some lame gang that only has one purpose aside from taking up space… that purpose of course being to incinerate anyone who comes near them.

 The first time our horde stumbled into them was actually the last time, as grim as that sounds. I’m not sure you’re going to exactly feel sorry for a swarm of flesh eating monsters but it was really kind of sad. We’d just rampaged through town and picked up a bunch of new friend! Things were looking great until… just as we were leaving… we heard a really loud noise. It was like some sort of horn or alarm? It’s hard to explain the sound they make but we really liked it… and when we really like something… well you know. We try to eat it. So naturally we wanted to eat the noise.

Before I knew it, we’re charging over one another towards that sound and I start hearing this popping sound. Pop. Pop, pop. It’s the same sort of noise you hear coming out of those little electric coil traps they have for flies. I get to the front of the pack and there’s an invisible line or something… and everytime a zombie crosses over it, they just get… zapped. All my friends. Just… gone. Except for me. 

I don’t know why she stopped. Zombie-me, that is. She just stood there while the others rushed past, one after another until she was the only one left. I was just… staring at the line of robots while they did the same back at me… us. Sorry, sometimes I get confused and don’t know where I end and she begins. After a long time, she just turned around and went back to town. We’ve been here ever since. Nobody comes here and for some reason zombie-me doesn’t move on. It’s pretty much purgatory. I don’t think she’s sad or even remembers what happened. Not really. But it’s weird, I’ll admit. Maybe she’s just waiting for something… could be for new friends that are never coming? Or maybe she just can’t get over what happened. Whatever it is… we just haven’t been able to move on.

That all sounds pretty lonely, doesn’t it? I guess it… kind of is? I honestly try not to think about that or on why I ever considered all of those other zombies friends or ‘family’ or whatever. Zombie psychology at work, I guess.

You know, I suddenly don’t really feel up for talking right now if that’s okay. We’ll… we’ll talk again soon… as long as you promise to come back. I mean, Please come back! For what it’s worth, I really missed talking to people.”

FADE OUT

FADE IN

CALI

“Holy shit. Alright, getting myself calm in 3, 2… 1. Go. Only reporting this because we’re required to catalog irregular stops and scavenging expeditions under code 513 of the Great Roadbook. That… and because I kind of want to brag right now. Why, you might ask? Because I just stumbled onto a fucking gold mine.

Not an actual gold mine, mind you. Who gives a shit about that. No, Better. It’s a comic store. 

So get this: There was some really ugly weather coming in over old Sarnia so I decided against risking it and chose to cut through the Windsor ruins instead. I’m going full sail, lever down to the metal when I spot a sign in the window of this old brick building. Had to double take and I nearly missed it… but hanging right there in that window is a Batman symbol. Let me repeat: A goddamn batman symbol. To explain, for you fancy pants Golden Gate no-nothings, the Batman was a famous superhero back before the fall. He dressed up as… okay, it’s not important what he dressed up as but he fought crime! He’d like… hide in the shadows and jump out at bad guys. If you were screwing around and being a big ol’ d-bag, it was Batman who was coming for you. He’d even beat up on like… actual clowns and their evil clown leader… which is great as we all know that clowns are only a half-step behind zombies and robots for being the worst thing that's ever existed on God's green earth. Actually, can you imagine what a fucking clown apocalypse would have looked like? All red noses and big shoed assholes just like… shuffling up on you and your family? Horrifying.

Anyway, leaving that fresh hell of mental imagery behind and getting back to my find: A Batman symbol in the window can tell a girl a couple things. If it’s a house, it was probably the home of a nerd. Which is a big bonus in my book and worth checking out. If it’s in a commercial building, like this one… it’s probably somewhere that sells comics. So I park out in front of the ruin and carefully proceed inside on foot to find that it’s completely wrecked. Big surprise, I know. A graveyard for comics. Just trash everywhere. I almost gave up on searching through the remains of geekdoms past when I find this sealed case and… you’re not going to even believe this… it’s full of classics. Preserved. Titles I’d only ever heard rumors of, they’re all here. Obscure stuff too! I’m so excited, I feel like… I don’t even know! It’s probably not healthy just how jazzed I am about this but consider for a moment that these stories were my actual life back in Golden Gate before becoming a scout. Or maybe it’s more fair to say they were my escape before escaping.

Going to admit, I’ve never been more thankful for the auto-routing functionality on this Spinner. I was SO dreading the trip back home. It’s a boring as all hell slog that takes longer than it should thanks to having to get around all the robot kill-zones… so the last thing you’d normally ever want to do is let this thing pilot itself since driving is one of the only things that’ll keep you sane during the trip. Well not anymore, baby! Time to dust this thing off, kick my boots up and get educated on nearly two-hundred year old pop culture.

As is ‘required’ I guess we need to get to the official stuff for this report. Windsor is still a wreck. No sign of civilization anywhere I can see. Original reports read that it’d been evacuated when zombies started pouring out of the Detroit tunnel and it’s basically kept that way since. Can you imagine that, though? It must have been some sight. Smart money’s betting border security didn’t wear their brown pants to work that day ‘cause I thiiiink that this was just before we started dropping robots on the horde problem. Can’t be sure exactly, I get a little dusty on East-coast pre-fall history… especially when everything reads like it’s copied off the same generic devastation report template. Either way, now that my problem hover-coil is fixed I should be able to avoid picking my way through the tunnel by just skipping right over the Detroit River. Wish me luck!

Cali, signing off.”

FADE OUT