Episode 16.0 - Goldengate
Episode Credits:
Amanda Hufford as Hannah
Abigail Turner as Cali
Jordan Rudolph as Mel
Will Handford as Jameson, Bogart, Ol' Blind Pete, Raider 1
Tom Schalk as Rictor, Charles
Ryan Hoyle as Reggie
Madeline Dorroh as Raider 2
Writing and Sound Design by Damian Szydlo
Sensitivity and Script Reading by Mak Shepard
'My Dear' by Velvet Moon and covered by Amanda Hufford in the voice of Hannah.
TRANSCRIPT
[FADE IN]
[commotion as Bogart scrambles to pick up his analogue phone]
BOGART
[hearing only Bogarts side of the conversation]
“Hello, Dr. Bogart here.”
[pause - listening]
“Yes. How could I forget?”
[pause - caller tells Bogart Cali is back… and has seemingly brought a zombie with her.]
“Well, paint me green and call me a cucumber! She is? And she’s brought a what? A zombie, you say? Are you sure?”
[pause - listening]
“The girl’s lost her marbles. Wasteland Madness, surely. It takes root in delicate minds after lengthy exposure to the vast ‘nothingness’ and rather upsetting savagery of the outside world. She’s been out there for too long. I told you as much, if you remember.
Discipline. A firm hand. Care. These are the things I prescribed for her particular malady. Taming a willful woman isn’t exactly a science, my good man. I’ll also have you remember that it was your choice to allow her entry into the Scouting Corps. Now look at what her ‘fierce independence’ has brought. A zombie to our gates! A zombie! Who could have… aren’t those monsters extinct? What a monumental mistake!”
[pause]
“You really needn't raise your voice to me, Charles. I completely understand your urgency, and I suppose ‘I told you so’s’ can indeed wait until after this problem's resolution. Rest assured, you’ve called the right man for the job. In fact, I’ve just the remedy for this gruesome brain eater…”
[pause]
“Yes. Yes, I’ll see you very soon.”
[hangs up phone before humming to himself and picking up Mel’s rifle]
“Where has that rifle gotten off to? [pause as he searches] Ah! There you are. An apt inscription for today's work. ‘This machine kills zombies’, indeed.”
[FADE OUT - TUNER CHANGE - FADE IN]
HANNAH
“Oh. Hey, Listener. I’m… glad you’re here. It’s only right. I mean, we’ve come such a long way together since you found me sitting on some old cracked sidewalk eating a pigeon. You could have run away, screaming… like I thought you would. But, you stuck with me. All the way to the actual gates of Golden Gate itself! Over all those hills and winding roads we talked about earlier; both proverbial and not-so proverbial. We did it. We had our victory tour. Got to ‘live’ long enough to get to this spot, right here. It might as well have a big ol’ X on it.
You know, the other day, during that storm. While we were in that barn I confessed or… confided, I guess? I told you that I was scared. About where this thing ends. I said that I wouldn’t have changed anything and I still stick by that, mostly. It’s just… is it selfish to want more? Now that we’re here? I feel more alive than I have in over a hundred years and it’s been actually exciting to watch the world wake up and wonder what each new day will bring. I love being alive. Ish. Alive-ish.”
[a gust of wind interrupts Hannah’s thoughts]
“Wow. It’s really windy up here, isn’t it? I never got to come here before zombification, or, whatever the right word for being like ‘this’ is. It’s wild that I always wanted to visit but just… never made time for it despite kind of always wanting to? To most of the other states in the old days, California was this ‘other’ place. Home to a different kind of American than the rest of us. It’s hard to explain now. I guess we thought they saw themselves as better than we were, not that I really thought that. After the end of the world it all feels kind of trivial, you know? Even at its most stereotypical, why is it that I missed out on the California experience? Hanging out with cool, artsy people and drinking lattes or… or maybe craft beer on a breezy sun bleached patio in front of a worn brick wall in San Francisco? Sounds AWFUL, right? Opportunity, LOST.”
CALI
“Look… ‘alive’, Hannah! We’re here. Golden Gate. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone to ‘look alive’ before. Hello Cali. Boot Camp would like its really great catchphrase back… [deep breath] Alright, if I calculated things properly, we ‘should’ be out of range for even their best rifleman… so… it’s a safe bet for you to come on out. Remember, watch out for the super cringy ‘decoration’ spikes. Best we stay on guard. First sign of anything weird and that’s a wrap. We bug out and get on to Junktown for our happily ever after.”
HANNAH
“She’s been kinda different. Since the storm. Resolved, focused, and fairly military. Under it all I’m pretty sure she’s more afraid of what’s coming than I am. Honestly, if I was living in her particular pair of combat boots, well, it’s safe to say I wouldn’t have made it. This far,I mean. If we’re being real about it, I’d still be crying in a broken down Jetta as raiders took my stuff. Laughing. Definitely laughing. To be fair, solutions were never exactly my thing. Complication is way more ‘my wheelhouse’. If you need things done the hard way, with as many bumps as possible, I’m your girl!”
CALI
“Alright. Let’s hope this thing works.”
[Turns on Rictor’s two-way radio]
[two-way] “Golden Gate control, this is Scout Cali SIERRA-TANGO-THREE-TWO-FIVE returning from the field, come in?. Over.”
CHARLES
[two-way] “Go ahead, Scout Cali. Please hold position. Over.”
CALI
“Well, I’ll be damned. It’s the big man himself. They must know what’s up already. Alright, here goes nothing!”
[two-way] “Hey, Chucky! They pulled you up to the tower to deal with little ol’ me? You can call me some shade of flattered! Over.”
CHARLES
[two-way] “Affirmative. That visitor you’ve brought with you. She’s causing quite the ruckus up here. They tell me… well they say she’s a little different? Confirm? Over.”
CALI
[two-way] “Affirmative. She is what you think she is. We found each other just outside of old Kzoo. She’s a friendly. Over.”
CHARLES
[two way] “Say Again? Over.”
CALI
[two-way] “You heard me right. She’s friendly, Chuck. I wouldn’t have believed it myself. We have an opportunity here. A big one. Over.”
CHARLES
[two-way] “You’re not wrong about that. [pause] By golly, what are you waiting for, girl. Come on in. We’ll meet you at the gate and get that thing restrained. Superb find, Scout Cali. Welcome home. Over.”
CALI
[two-way] “That’s a negative. Need assurance. Cut a deal. I have terms… Correction; ‘we’ have terms. Over.”
CHARLES
[two-way] “I don’t… Say Again? Over.”
CALI
[two-way] “You get to observe, no invasive science or procedures. If you’re not interested in studying possible human/zombie coexistence then we’re done here. Over.”
CHARLES
[two-way] “Human/Zombie what? Coexistence? You’ve got to be out of your mind! The doctor was right. Wasteland Madness, he told me…”
CALI
[two-way] “Bullshit. Doctor’s full of it. No debating, no negotiation. If you want this, then the deal is I’m her guardian and I get your word nothing happens to her without my express fucking consent. I repeat: I want your word, Charles. Over.”
CHARLES
[two-way] “You know I can’t just make a decision like that without consultation. There’s a council. A zombie’s a dangerous thing, after all.
Look. I’ve got some people on the way up here now. Experts. Just… Just stand-by, damn it. Over.”
CALI
[two-way] “Wilco. Cali, Out.” [end transmission]
[Listener is in the booth with Charles]
CHARLES
“Imagine that. A friendly zombie, she says.”
[Bogart enters the booth]
“Ahh, you’re just in time, Doctor!”
BOGART
“What’s the story, Councillor?”
CHARLES
“Take these binoculars. See for yourself.”
BOGART
“Alright. [pause as he looks through, adjusting the binoculars] Well, well, well. Isn’t it my dearest ex-fiance, Calista… and this zombie friend of hers, if that listless gait is anything to go by.”
CHARLES
“I’ll put it to you squarely, Doctor. She’s offering us an observational opportunity. Says she’s been living beside this… ‘thing’ for some time now. At least, I suppose she has. She claims to have picked it up in Michigan, of all places.”
BOGART
“Well, butter my biscuit! I would have guessed they’d find the last zombie in Florida. Michigan!? It’s absurd, though, isn’t it? Let me… wait. [adjusts binoculars] wait just a damned minute…”
CHARLES
“Spit it out, man. What is it?”
BOGART
“That zombie. She’s just standing there. Actually listening to whatever Cali’s rambling to her about.”
CHARLES
“And?”
BOGART
“And it’s impossible. I’ve done my reading, good sir. You can’t ‘train’ a zombie. They don’t respond to us in that fashion. If anything, the presence of a human being in their vicinity should ‘excite’ them. Said stimulation in almost all cases ends in some sort of violent outburst. The only exceptions being of course; a) The zombie doesn’t notice the human activity… or… and this is important, so do try to keep up… b) The zombie has adapted.”
CHARLES
“Adapted? Isn’t… I’m sorry, doctor. Isn’t that a positive thing? Perhaps it’s trainable! Like a good dog.”
BOGART
“Not at all. You see, the only record of a zombie adapting to human behavioural patterns is in the form of a ‘Tyrant’ or, as some might call them, a ‘Queen’. These zombie monarchs were said to have been able to somehow ‘herd’ others of their kind. If there was a horde of extraordinary size, then you could almost be sure there was a Tyrant amongst them.
The studies on this were classified, of course. Fortunately for us, scavengers recovered these very same studies from the ruins of the old Redmond settlement years ago. As far as we can tell, only two Queens were ever captured and successfully detained. One just outside of Boston… and the other at Redmond itself.”
CHARLES
“Redmond. They went down just before ‘The Great Settling’, didn’t they? That was a long time ago, Tristan. What happened to the two Queens?”
BOGART
“Well, precious little is known about Boston save for sparse mentions and the odd reference here and there. On the other hand, we know much more about the Redmond Queen’s fate because… well, to put it bluntly, I’m afraid she’s the reason there is no Redmond Settlement. Old scavenger reports from back before I was even a twinkle in my father's eye state it was completely overrun by zombies. If I was to hypothesise, I’d say the creatures likely went on to stumble their way through Seattle proper before getting themselves ‘zapped’ by the robots there. That’s usually how it went with any good sized horde. They all run afoul of kill-zone borders sooner or later and then that’s the end of them! Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.”
CHARLES
“...And you’re saying… that thing down there is a… some sort of Queen, then?”
BOGART
“You’re damn right I am.”
CHARLES
“What do we do, Bogart? We can’t let it in here… and we can’t just let her leave with it. Off our doorstep and out into the wasteland to infect some lowly, unprepared scavenger settlement. They’d be back here before long, wouldn’t they? And in greater numbers!”
BOGART
“You’re entirely correct. Think of our American dream. How close we are? Closer still everyday! A new outbreak would be a setback of monumental proportion. We simply cannot allow it to happen. Fortunately for us, I brought this.”
CHARLES
“A rifle? They're well out of range for that, Doctor.”
BOGART
“Ahh, that’s where you’re wrong. They only THINK they’re out of range. Remember, Councilor, I’m the very best shot in the settlement and THIS… ohh, this my good man is a one-of-a-kind piece of hardware. I purchased it from a mutant; a rather hideous mutant she-beast who’d kept it clean and exquisitely tuned ever since the good ol’ days when America was America.”
CHARLES
“You really think you can make the shot? We might only get one chance at this.”
BOGART
“With your leave, then. May I go ahead and set up here, Councillor? This would make for a fine vantage.”
CHARLES
“Do it. Today, we save Golden Gate from being another Redmond… and the world from another apocalypse. Go get ‘em, tiger.”
BOGART
“Let the very hand of the Founding Fathers guide me.”
[TUNER BACK TO THE TRUCK]
CALI
“How long are they going to leave us standing out here?”
[zombie noise]
“You’re right. Or, I’m going to just go ahead and imagine you’re agreeing with me. Two minutes more and we’re out of here.”
HANNAH
“Oh, hey Listener! You’re back again! Still not much going on here other than nerves, anxiety, and an oncoming panic attack! Doesn’t that sound just… [stops to regard the listener]... What… I don’t… I don’t understand. Are you trying to tell me something, Listener?”
[gunshot from the distance, misses to hit the truck]
CALI
Holy shit! That… no, no, no.”
[two-way] “Hey! Assholes! That just barely missed me! What the fuck are you doing?! I thought we were negotiating?”
CHARLES
[two-way] “Mind your etiquette. Besides, you said it yourself, ma’am. No negotiation.”
CALI
[two-way] “To hell with etiquette! You damn well know this isn’t what I meant. Please don’t do this!”
“Hannah! Get down!”
HANNAH
“I… I can’t. It doesn’t work like that! Even after the Christmas revelation thing! But… I’ll try. Okay! Alright, Hannah. Get down! Take cover! Take COVER! Oh, come on! Don’t just stand there! Of all times to be unresponsive! We need to MOVE!”
CALI
[getting emotional as Hannah just… stands there while another shot goes off.]
[two-way] “You can’t do this. You can’t! She… she doesn’t even know you’re trying to kill her! Please!”
CHARLES
[two-way] “That’s kind of the idea. Besides, she’s already dead, Cali. She’s a zombie. The sooner you come to terms with that, the better. This isn’t murder, it’s mercy. Bogart, again.”
[another shot]
CALI
[two-way] “She’s not… She’s not just a zombie. She’s… my friend.”
BOGART
[two-way] “Listen to yourself, Calista. It’s a zombie. Just a zombie… and when I can get the damned thing to stand still for a moment, it’ll be substantially less than that.”
CALI
[two-way] “You. You piece of shit. Whatever he’s told you, Charles. Whatever he said, he’s lying! You know our history! Listen to me!”
BOGART
[two-way] “Oh, for heaven's sake. So full of yourself, aren’t you? You’ve never been able to look past yourself. To the bigger picture. This situation is much greater than you or I. That thing is a zombie Queen and you’re endangering not only this settlement, but dare I say, humanity as a whole by galavanting around with it. And for what? Misplaced sentiment? I’ve heard enough of this. Bogart, Out.”
CALI
“A zombie Queen? No, you’re wrong. She can’t be. Could you just stop shooting for a second? We can talk about this! I can take her away. I don’t care how far!”
[another shot goes off, Cali is helpless as she’s pinned down from the gunfire, just watching Hannah stand there. It’s too much]
CALI
“Please! Please stop shooting! I… I…”
CHARLES
[dead air]
CALI
“I know you can hear me! Say something!”
HANNAH
“It’s okay, Cali. I know you can’t hear me but… this is where the road goes. Or ends, I guess. X marks the spot. I knew that in Nebraska. I… I wish that I could tell you everything. That you saved me.
That I love you.”
CALI
“I care about her! Okay? Please… I do… and I’m so, SO fucking sorry. About everything.”
CHARLES
[dead air and sudden, eerie silence - just blowing wind]
CALI
[Cali starts running towards Hannah, feeling the moment in her heart, knowing the next shot will be on target. The final gunshot rings out and she dives in front of Hannah to take the bullet]
[efforts as Cali is has taken a mortal wound to the chest]
HANNAH
[Zombie-Me freaking out]
“No… Cali, no! It was supposed to be me, I was ready! Why would you do this. Please don’t make me keep going without you.
[Zombie-Me starts moving]
Now? Now we’re moving, when there’s nothing we can do?”
CALI
“It’s okay, zombie girl… My fault. Thought we were way out of range… wait… why the fuck are you looking at me like that…”
HANNAH
“So much blood… No… There's too much blood. Oh no. We’re not going to… No, no… Listener, I can’t. Please don’t make me do this. It’s too much…”
[sound of static]
“Are you saying that I… I can come with you this time? But what about Cali?
[sound of static]
I can’t stop this, can I? This is just what zombies do. What ‘we’ do. What… I do, now.
Alright. I’m… I’m ready to go.”
[MUSIC BEGINS AS THE TUNER FADES IN AND OUT]
[Hannah is now in the Listeners world, strangely, not incredibly sad for what she just witnessed…]
HANNAH
“Wow. This is… well, to be honest, it’s really weird. I feel so… far away. Like my life was a dream or some sad story. Like it happened to someone else… Is this what it’s like to be you? Or maybe it’s just what happens when you turn the show off before the story’s finished? We don’t need to know how it ends. Here’s to disassociation, I guess?
Oh, Hey! Speaking of you… There you are… live and in living colour… just… listening. To my story; on your little podcast player thingamajig in a world that doesn’t look to be totally ruined yet!? How cool is this!? I mean, give your politicians a bit of time I’m sure. You still probably have at least a couple years in your ‘reality’ or whatever before they screw it all up, don’t you?
Huh! Imagine that! And you!? I don’t really know what I expected. I normally see you as just this… staticy blob, floating around. Sometimes you kind of look like a person shaped thing but mostly not. But you ARE a person! Which makes a ton more sense, honestly. I’m rambling… aren’t I?
I’m really sorry for the way my story went. You were there with me through the highs and the lows. Every step of the way; which kind of makes it our story, doesn’t it? Also, how is this show listed as a comedy? They clearly tricked both of us. Oh, it’s so funny making me cry like all the time. And look now!? See how she’s eating the love of her life! Isn’t that just HILARIOUS?
Whatever. I’m here now. Might as well stretch out. Get used to it, right? Make a new, BETTER story. Do you think… Wait, do you think this makes me the Listener now that we’ve kicked down whatever was left of the admittedly shaky fourth wall? Now it’s me, just checkin’ out your life? Bein’ your imaginary friend? Listening to all your thoughts and..well..I guess that’s probably not it, is it? You know, since I’m the actual furthest thing away from being any kind of listener. Still blabbering away and all, avoiding… everything. Right…
I don’t get to stay here with you, do I?
Okay. [deep breath] Okay. We have to see this through. You’ve already done so much for me. I’m not about to Hannah your life up anymore than we have to…
I’m ready. I think. It’s weird… you’d think I’d feel… Torn apart. Full of grief. But I’m not, and I’m not sure that it’s actually disassociation. I don’t know what that means but… If anything timey-whimey happens… or if this is the end of us… Thank you for saving me from that whole Cali-burger situation. That was a bit much, even for this show.”
[Fader back in but it’s distorted and strange this time, fast forward effect as time catches back up. Leave the Listener hanging for a bit]
HANNAH
“LISTENER! It’s you! It’s really you! I didn’t think you were coming back! It’s been weeks!
Everything’s… okay!? What I mean is, you don’t need to be sad for us. Things are actually fine? Or, in the neighbourhood of fine? I’ll fill you in, but be prepared to turn that frown upside down because this tragic comedy might actually have a happy ending yet!
So, as you might notice, we’re still in Golden Gate. Before we get into it, I’m happy to announce that we did not actually eat that Cali-burger! Much. So, that’s mostly guilt free… Which is a whole other ‘thing’ but we’ll get to that. Anyway! There are like a ton of happy little surprises coming your way. One of which is team ‘Zombie-We’ is really hitting it out of the park on the co-operation front. Maybe weeks too late, I know, but let's just not look a gift zombie in her mouth. Yeah… You’ll see what I mean soon.
Recap time! It turns out while we were hanging out in your world, she was taking this one by storm! Without me holding her back with pesky morals and a general overall repulsion for her disgusting habits, Zombie-Me turned into a one woman army. She stormed the gates, climbed up to the command booth, and threw Bogart not only off the tower, but off the bridge itself. I’m sure he was like ‘Egads no, I cannot believe I’ve been struck down by a female’ as he fell. Also, is nobody else going to mention that Golden Gate’s Transatlantic accent is actually super weird? When they picked their version of America they REACHED back for that one. Movies. It’s the only explanations. Movies are to blame.
Continuing on. It’s probably not the highlight of the story to report that she then… well, she ran through the streets of Golden Gate chewing on every man, woman, and child which is… okay it’s pretty bad, but also kind of a happy ending? If it’s to be a day of ‘Ish’s then we can call this a happy-ish ending. Look, Listener, in our defence we’re still a zombie and thus the bar has to be by its very nature, pretty low. And, there is some light at the end of this seemingly dark, tragic tunnel. Because… I think I can help them. I’m not sure what Bogart meant with that whole ‘Zombie Queen’ thing but he might have actually been on to something!
This is also where the work comes in. You know how I can tell my zombie half what to do and she sometimes listens? Well, it turns out I can do that for other zombies, too. Also, to answer one of my age-old questions, individual zombies have their own wants and needs. They’re just buried under this really thick brain fog… but I can kind of see through it. I’m going to help them. We’re going to stay up here on top of Golden Gate. All of us. Away from the outside world and… any mistakes that might lead to… Oh, I don’t know, an actual Hannahpocalypse? See what I did there? Cause it would be like an apocalypse, but started by me? Look, we spent an entire show building up to this gag, the least you could do is politely laugh, Listener.
I suppose this is where we should all line up and take a bow but… I have one more thing to show you. The most important thing, actually. Come on, follow me.
[Sound of Hannah pushing through a door]
Welcome, Listener, to our house. It’s not as cosy as the one in the Christmas Special or anything, but it’s ours. I’m learning how to do things like what I just did. Open doors and stuff. It’s coming quicker than I thought it would… now that we’re on the same page. Give me a second with this one.
[fumbles at the door before finally opening it]
“There… there she is. Cali. Turns out that Zombie-Me wasn’t looking at her like she was a meal and when I said we didn’t eat her ‘much’... She was just giving her an insurance bite. So that she would come back. As a zombie. I guess we both kind of fell for her. Nut uh we all got a lot more than we bargained for, though. I’m not sure how this all works, or how long she’ll be asleep. It’s been… Well, weeks like this already. Her body is fighting the virus, somehow. She’s a mutant now, Listener. She doesn’t have to go through zombification! Doesn’t have to live like THIS. Best of both worlds/Worst of both worlds kind of stuff. Eventually… when she wakes up, that is.
So I… sing to her. Every night. It’s not great and I know she can’t hear it since it’s up in my head and let’s be honest, more for my own sanity than hers. But I like to think that it helps. I want her to know that I’m here. Waiting. Forever, if we have to. We owe her even more than that.
Speaking of said singing, it’s that time again. Used to be embarrassed to be caught singing but… You can stay if you want to. It’s this song I heard on the radio once that kind of stuck with me. Okay. Here we go…
[FADE OUT]