Episode 14.0 - A Very Hannah Christmas
Episode Credits:
Amanda Hufford as Hannah
Abigail Turner as Cali
Jordan Rudolph as Mel
Will Handford as Jameson, Bogart & Ol' Blind Pete
Tom Schalk as Rictor
Ryan Hoyle as Reggie
Writing and Sound Design by Damian Szydlo
Sensitivity and Script Reading by Mak Shepard
TRANSCRIPT
[FADE IN]
[starts with a winter, Christmas-y feel. Bells chiming behind the opening monologue]
HANNAH
“Hey, Listener. It’s been July in our story for like… a really long time, right? The world turns and turns and turns but it’s basically always 2182 around here…
But what if it wasn’t? What if it was Christmas? Or better yet, what if it was Festivus!?
I can already hear you asking. Or I could, if you were, you know, the talking type. Which you’re not and I get that but… okay, nevermind. I’m getting distracted again. What I mean to say is that I can just hear you asking ‘Okay, Hannah. I’ve heard of Christmas but what the heck is a Festivus?’. And to that I say it’s a reference to an episode of a popular comedy show from my childhood that turned out to have some… kind of problematic actors starring in it, which is an obvious yuck, but that’s beside the point! Festivus is basically a non-denominational holiday where you gather around an aluminium pole, get all your grievances out… and you know, that doesn’t actually sound that great either, does it? The 1990’s were kind of a fun but also depressing time, Listener.
There is a point to all this ‘rambling’ about the holidays, though, I promise. When I was a little girl, Christmas was my favourite time of year. The holidays had different names and traditions back then depending on your family and beliefs. Christmas was just what we called it in ‘The Boden Household’, even though we weren’t really all that religious. It was like that for a lot of people, I think. Ultimately, it was about spending time and appreciating family. Whether that consisted of… the biological or ‘found’ variety.
Wait. Waaaait a minute. Why am I explaining Christmas to one of the few people quote-unquote ‘alive’ from a time where Christmas hasn’t been strained through the Wasteland’s nostalgia worshipping filter!? Gah!
So. What if it was Christmas, Listener? What if it was a totally HANNAH Christmas? I think… well, maybe it’d go a little something like this.”
[Slow, dreamy Christmas Jazz Music Starts, the sound of a warm fireplace fills the room]
CALI
“Wow. Look at that. Are you kidding me with this snow right now? I’m pretty sure this is why people moved out to California in the first place. I mean, who would want to voluntarily deal with nature's seasonal F-U snowing up your best made plans?”
HANNAH
“You know, staring out the window isn’t actually going to like - stop the snow, right? Besides, it’s not all bad! It’s kind of… I don’t know… Pretty, isn’t it? There are people out there who would KILL to get an old-fashioned white Christmas, Cali.”
CALI
“Yeah. As long as these proverbial ‘people’ aren’t actually out there IN that storm. Because they’d be frozen. Popsicles. A scout's fucking nightmare.”
HANNAH
“Or maybe they’d be… peep-sicles?”
CALI
“Wow. Hilarious, Hannah. Great pun. Much timing.”
HANNAH
“Oh come on, grumpy-guts! I made hot cocoa. It’s not Les Deux Magots by any means, but it’s not half bad!”
CALI
“It’s just… I don’t know. How are people going to get through all THAT to make it here? A White Christmas is great and all, but if it’s between what amounts to winter aesthetics and family, I’m going to take family every time.”
HANNAH
“I know. I feel the same but… they’ll make it! And if they don’t? We still have Zombie-Me here, right?”
[The sound of Zombie-me sounding off in the background while trying to open a gift.]
CALI
“I guess. Wait, is she still trying to open that gift?”
HANNAH
“I wasn’t actually going to acknowledge anything that’s going on over there. What Christmas tree? What Zombie gnawing on presents? I mean to be fair, if it keeps her entertained, I’m happy to let her shred away at it until Christmas comes next year. Now come on before this cocoa gets cold.”
[Kisses Cali on the cheek.]
[The door suddenly swings open while a winter storm brews and stews outside. Cali stomps her boots and closes the door.]
MEL
“Hannah, I’m home!”
CALI
“Holy shit. You actually made it!”
MEL
“Think a little snow’s going to stop me? Not a chance! Hell, I even brought Wonderboy along for the ride, too.”
JAMESON
“Ms. Cali, Ms. Hannah.”
CALI
“Jameson! Well, look at you! What a turnaround. Let’s get a look at you!
[said in kind of a joking way]
Raider goon in training transformed into this fine, upstanding young gentleman. Will wonders never cease!”
JAMESON
“Things have been… well, they’ve actually been pretty darn good since I started that new job with the DMRS. All thanks to you, by the way.”
CALI
“That’s great, kid. Let’s… let’s uhh, get out of the way here. Give these two some space.”
[Sounds of Jameson and Cali walking into the other room]
HANNAH
“Mel…”
MEL
“Come on Ms. Boden. Bring it in.”
[Biiiiig hug]
HANNAH
“I’ve really missed you.”
MEL
[Fourth wall break as the friends haven’t seen each other since Mel watched Hannah die.]
“Me too… It’s… It’s been way too long, hun.”
HANNAH
[overwhelmed]
“Yeah. Yeah it really has.”
[Door Opens again to break the moment]
REGGIE
[Young Reggie]
“Merry Festivus!”
MEL
“Reg. Fuck sakes. We’re not doing Festivus this year, remember?”
REGGIE
“Oh… Oh yeah. Sorry. Old habits die hard.”
HANNAH
“Reggie! I could have sworn the last time I saw you -”
REGGIE
“I was older, right? I mean, I figured since this is a daydream and all… well, I might have the choice between old man me and -”
MEL
“You know, you’re really fucking this up, Reg.”
REGGIE
“Goddamnit. I’ll just… put these presents under the tree.”
[sounds of Reggie rustling around before going into the other room with the gifts as Zombie-Me takes a bite at him.]
“Hey! Hey, no biting!”
HANNAH
[laughs a bit to herself at Reggies expense]
“It really is good to see you.”
MEL
“You finally got that perfect Christmas of yours. It only took what, a hundred and fifty years or so?”
HANNAH
“Yeah! [laughs] Yeah, but who’s counting? I mean we got here in the end, didn’t we?”
MEL
[happy]
“Suppose we did. You even got the girl. I wouldn’t believe it if I weren’t lookin’ right at it. Hannah Boden, you really knocked it out of the park. Now, can I get a second to pull my boots off?”
HANNAH
“You bet! I’ll… I’ll let you go ahead and get settled, then! Besides, I better check on the turkey… [walking away]
[from the other room]
Not going to lie, I’m SO looking forward to eating like a normal person. [suddenly re aware this is a fantasy] Which is totally what I’ve always been doing… all this time… nothing but forks and knives for this girl…”
CALI
[to Hannah]
“You okay?”
HANNAH
“Yeah. We’re fine… I’m fine. Just a bit sad, you know?”
CALI
“Because this isn’t real?”
HANNAH
[nervous words caught in her throat, a bit dejected]
“Yeah… You got me. First try.”
CALI
“Well, from where I’m standing it seems pretty real right now. So, I’m going to enjoy myself. Even if ‘myself’ is just a figment of your imagination. A super hot, awesome figment of your imagination, but you know. Still a figment.
HANNAH
[happy and in love]
“You’re rambling.”
CALI
[playfully]
“You’re one to talk. The actual queen of breathless, rambling monologues.”
HANNAH
“Cali…”
[tender scene interrupted by aggressive BANGING on the door]
MEL
“Holy shit! What the hell! Who knocks like that on Christmas? I’m going to have to kick an ass or two, aren’t I?”
JAMESON
[scared]
“Oh, no. Oh, no. It’s him!”
REGGIE
“Who?”
JAMESON
[whispers, terrified]
“Krampus.”
[Zombie-Me zombie squawking in the background]
CALI
“Hey! Krampus? Or whoever you are. [drops her voice to call him a name before continuing] Jackass. I think you’ve got the wrong house!”
RICTOR KRAMPUS
“Is that right? Seems maybe my reading comprehension slipped a peg cause I swear this wreath out here says ‘Welcome All’. I mean it’s Christmas, ain’t it?
CALI
“If you squint really hard you’ll see… Yeah, right there between the lines. I’ll help. It says ‘No assholes allowed, Especially Rictor’.”
RICTOR KRAMPUS
“Mighty un festive of you, don’t you think? Besides, I’m not here to spoil your holiday. Just came to collect your unwanted burden. That’s all.”
JAMESON
“Who you callin’ a burden!? Ain’t no way I’m joining up with you ever again, Mr. Rictor!”
RICTOR KRAMPUS
“Well goddamn, is that Jameson I hear? That’s the wrong burden! Well, you can go ahead and keep that sack of shit all for yourselves! Waste of perfectly good turkey, if you ask me. No, I’m afraid I’m here for that zombie of yours. She’s been a mighty naughty little brain-eater this year. Seems we’ve got a situation that goes well beyond a lump of coal, I’m afraid.”
MEL
[whispers]
“What the hell did she do to bring Krampus around?”
HANNAH
“Well… she did kind of eat Rictor?”
CALI
“Seems like a conflict of interest to me. Also, how could that be anything but a plus?”
HANNAH
“Right?”
RICTOR
“Oh, come now. I know you don’t want her. Admit it. For once we’re all on the same page, don’t you think? She’s nothing but a bother; surely you’ve said it yourself. Open the door. I’ll put her in this sack of mine with all the other Christmas brats and you can continue on pretending you’re one big ol’ happy family in there.”
CALI
“I really, really hate this guy.”
HANNAH
“Yeah… but doesn’t he have a point?”
MEL
“Hannah… This guy does NOT have a point, or at least not any good ones. What do you even mean?”
HANNAH
“I mean, he’s right, isn’t he? This would be a normal Christmas if not for… I mean look at her. The literal actual zombie in the room. We ruin everything.”
REGGIE
“I think it’s supposed to be the elephant in the room, though?”
HANNAH, MEL, CALI
“Shut up, Reggie.”
JAMESON
“Gosh darn it. I think I missed my cue on that one, didn’t I?”
MEL
[ignoring Jameson]
“Now look here, Hannah. Or look at ‘her’. How many years have you been up in your head for?”
HANNAH
“Like… just about a hundred and fifty, I think?”
MEL
“Right. So, I’m going to say that it’s been about that long since you’ve started pretending that the two of you are separate somehow. Just sharing a body.”
HANNAH
“Yeah… but how is that pretending? That was the deal. That’s ‘zombification’, right? The zombie gets the body and I get to live in the attic.”
CALI
“I think I get where you’re going, Mel.
Hannah. I think it’s about time you accepted it. You’re a zombie.”
HANNAH
“What… no. I wouldn’t do the things she does. It’s more like we’re roommates.”
CALI
“Yeah but… we’re still here, aren’t we? In the same place whether you would or would not voluntarily eat someone. Now, just for the sake of argument… Do you think after a hundred and fifty years things might have been better or worse if you somehow managed to come to terms with who you are? Or, at least who you are now.”
REGGIE
“This has gotten pretty deep, hasn’t it? Are we still doing the Christmas Special?”
MEL
“Reggie, I swear…”
HANNAH
“He’s right. This is a lot, guys. Can we just take a minute?”
CALI
“With Krampus out there? That’s a hard no. Look, the day we met. Do you remember it? You were laying on the ground, you couldn’t move, right? That hadn’t ever happened before. It was like after all this time ‘both’ parts of you had lost your purpose once the crows got shot down. There were a bunch of firsts that day, weren’t there? If you look back on it, you were almost in control for a moment, weren't you?”
HANNAH
“I… I don’t think so. I don’t remember.”
CALI
“No, you definitely were. You got up. You ‘steered’ her. You saved me. YOU did, Hannah. The whole package.”
HANNAH
“Cali. I don’t want to be a zombie anymore. I just… I want to be normal. I want to make a turkey. Have a Christmas. The whole thing. I want ‘this’.”
MEL
“We know, hun. But it doesn’t change that you ‘are’ a zombie… Or, the most absolutely wild part; that somehow ‘who’ you are gets through all the hissing and biting… and we still love you for it. That sounds impossible but that’s ‘you’; and the real, living version of this lady right here? She’d put everything on the line. For you. A zombie.”
HANNAH
“So, you’re saying that… The actual trash panda rolling around in a pile of torn up wrapping paper over there… is part of the overall ‘Hannah’ experience now? That maybe if I spent more time being the ‘here and now me’ and less time being the watching-on-in-denial… and let’s be honest, constantly in shame ‘me’... things could be better?”
CALI
“And that we’d all still love you. Yeah. Just… no biting.”
HANNAH
“Okay. I’ll… I’ll try to be better! Watch out world! Get ready for the complete Hannah experience! Coming to a wasteland near you!”
MEL
“Attagirl.”
HANNAH
“Great! It’s time to eat Rictor again, isn’t it?”
CALI
“You’re damn right it is.”
JAMESON
“Not going to lie, I ain’t never going to get sick of this part. I’ll get the door.”
[Jameson opens the door]
RICTOR KRAMPUS
“Well, it’s about damn time don’t you think? There’s my girl! Come on. Come to Papa Krampus!”
ZOMBIE-HANNAH
[Runs at Rictor, some wrapping paper ripping behind her as she screams out in zombie, diving at him.]
RICTOR KRAMPUS
“Fuck. Not this again…”
[screams out as he gets eaten]
[Christmas carol with vocals plays as Rictor gets eaten and all the characters gather]
CALI
“This got really weird, didn’t it?”
HANNAH
“Yeah, it did.”
CALI
“Like it went from really wholesome to… this.”
HANNAH
“I think I maybe had a bit of a scrooge moment, though.”
CALI
“Oh?”
HANNAH
“You know like an Ah-ha moment. Like I’m going to wake up and things are going to be different between us. Zombie-Me and… me. The Hannahs, I mean.”
CALI
“Merry Christmas, Hannah.
HANNAH
“Merry Christmas, everyone.”
[FADE OUT]